I'm 30 weeks along in my pregnancy today, so I only have 10 more weeks to go! I can't believe how fast my pregnancy is going, but some days I just want to hold my little one right now. I just wanted to blog about our "journey" to getting pregnant with our little boy because it truly reminds me that Heavenly Father has His own plan for each of us, regardless of the plan we have for ourselves!
Everyone that knows me knows that I have wanted a baby for a LONG time. I always had the feeling that getting pregnant would be hard for us, and adoption always felt like the way that I would get my babies here to earth. A few months after Brock and I were married, I stopped taking my birth control because I was ready to start our family (at least I thought I was). Brock wasn't so sure about the idea, but he went along with it because we figured it would take a while to get pregnant anyway. In some of my Family & Human Development classes, I learned that it can even take a woman with regular cycles quite a while to get pregnant, so we figured that with my very irregular cycles, it would take us a even longer. Well, we were right. We didn't get pregnant for a few months, so I decided to consult my doctor.
My first doctor put me right on Clomid - the cookie cutter fertility drug that pretty much every woman with fertility problems takes. I had to do an HSG test to make sure my tubes didn't have blockages, but everything looked good there so we were hopeful that the Clomid would make me ovulate. I was on and off it for a while since Brock and I would talk about whether the timing was right before I started a new cycle. The doctor really wasn't following up with anything, so luckily she moved. I found a new doctor, but she kept me on the same drug. She started doing monthly follicle checks after my 6th round, but they were all discouraging. It didn't look like the clomid was making me ovulate. She still had me keep taking it (which I didn't really want to since it can cause cysts if taken too long). I kept at it though because it felt like the only thing I could do. It was so discouraging because EVERY month I had to take pregnancy tests when I wouldn't start (even though that was normal), and EVERY pregnancy test was discouraging. I started with a bag of 25 test strips, and had used 21 of them while taking Clomid. That's 21 times I went through having hope and anticipation of something good, only to be very discouraged and angry every time the test turned up negative. Sometimes I would cry, other times I would be angry. Sometimes I felt totally hopeless and didn't want to keep trying. I had gone to school and graduated in the "mom" degree, and couldn't get the ONLY job I ever wanted. My life seemed pointless. We are taught in the gospel to grow up, get married in the temple, and have a family. I felt like everything else was pointless - going to work, doing things around the house - nothing was as important as having a child and I couldn't do it.
We finally decided that the clomid wasn't working and that it wasn't worth the health risks anymore. I quit taking it in August. Brock and I started discussing our options since we knew that fertility treatments are expensive and don't "guarantee" a baby at the end. We called LDS adoption agency to see how the adoption process worked and got some encouraging information. We talked about it and figured we could save up for adoption for now and try fertility treatments later when we could afford it. We were getting ready for vacation to Hawaii, and said we would start the process after we got back.
I had my friend take our "family pictures" for us because the adoption agency told us that pictures are REALLY important in a profile to grab a birth mom's attention. I was so excited to be "taking control" of something, since everything else was in Heavenly Father's hands. I got the pictures, edited them, and printed a bunch off.
The NEXT day, after having some tenderness and pain in my chest for a few weeks, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. I was prepared for the usual disappointment, but I had the tests laying around and I always took them when I didn't have a cycle for a while. This time though, it was different. Instead of the dreaded one line, I saw two! I couldn't believe it and immediately started crying. I figured the test was just faulty because it had been sitting in the package for a while. I was so happy though, because deep down I knew that pregnancy tests are actually VERY accurate. I went into my room and knelt down and asked Heavenly Father to let it be real - to let me have this child that I wanted so bad for so long! It had been two years since I quit taking birth control! I cried for a while longer, but made myself stop because I didn't want to get too excited. Brock was working until 11 pm, and I took the test around 7! I had to wait the rest of the night for him to come home. I was so happy when he walked through the door (I had taken another test by then that was positive, too). I walked up to him, started crying, and told him that I thought he was going to be a daddy. He put his arm around me, tapped me on my back, and said "That's neat." haha I still get a kick out of that. We decided to run to Walmart and get a more expensive test that had digital results. Sure enough, both the test that night and the next morning were both positive. I can't say Brock was thrilled, but I think it was more the shock of the fact that I was actually FINALLY pregnant that was showing through.
For the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I was so worried that I would miscarry. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to be given this little blessing. But once I made it to 12 weeks, I felt safe. In reality, the whole time, I felt a comfort that I would keep this baby and I wouldn't miscarry. I just couldn't believe it.
Looking back on this experience now, I understand that Heavenly Father had a MUCH better plan for Brock, the baby, and me than I had for myself. Brock and I had gone through a lot in our marriage up to the point when we got pregnant. We were both in school, working, participating in activities, etc (the normal stuff). We could have done it, but then I look at the time when Brock was in the hospital having brain surgeries. I NEVER could have been there for him like I needed to be if we had a baby, or even if I was pregnant (the fold out cot would not work for a pregnant woman!) We had really bumpy times in our marriage that wouldn't have been good for the baby, and we weren't really stable in our home life. We moved four times and never really had a "plan." Right before getting pregnant, we moved into the basement apartment we are in now, and it's where we've planned to stay until he graduates. It doesn't have cinder block walls like our Aggie Village apartment, and it feels MUCH more like a home than any other place we have lived. I feel like we've made a more stable living environment - one a baby can live and thrive in. Our marriage is much better, we have a home, and we are ready for this little guy.
I am very grateful for our little Tim, and cannot wait for these next 10 weeks to go by! We are very blessed, and even though I know I was very patient through this process, it has been very worth the ups and downs (mostly downs) to get him here.